Well, I guess I’ve joined the mindlessness of Indie mainstream. I’m not exactly sure what I’m meant to write on this, so I’m just going to use it as my own personal diary, knowing no-one will read it anyway.

I’m in a dark place at the moment. I’ve done a lot of stupid things recently, and I don’t even care. I want to do them again because the negative attention I get is better than nothing, better than knowing I don’t exist at all. I cut, I don’t sleep, I barely eat and when I do I purge, I sleep around, I smoke and drink, and I want to try doing drugs.

How did I even get like this?? I used to be the good kid. Perfect grades, good daughter, helpful and nice to everyone, always happy and friendly. I loathed even the idea of smoking, and thought anyone who cut was weak.

I don’t know how to change back, I don’t even know that I want to. Because maybe someone will see how much I need help and be the friend to me, that I am to them.

I’m the strong one. I support everyone else through everything they’re going through, and I can’t keep doing it. Every time another friend tells me they’re suicidal, and offloads their pain onto me, I feel good, because I know they will get better, and I’ll do anything to help them, but it tears the hole inside me even bigger, and I die just a little more inside. I’m basically a shell as it is, I don’t know how I’m meant to keep going like this.

I want someone to help me like I help everyone else, to look out for when I’m getting dangerous to myself and just help me.

I told someone that I wanted to get help today, and I asked them to come with me, because I didn’t know if I could do it alone. They said they were going to a mate’s place to play Xbox. I needed that help, and I needed them there, and they didn’t even notice. Or, if they did, they didn’t care.

I don’t know what to do any more. I’m trying to keep fighting, to hold my head up and to not let myself crumple under this, but how do I do that when no-one cares? Why should I give a damn if no-one else does?

I just want to give up.